“You’re not an introvert.”
That’s the comment I always get when the topic of introversion and extroversion comes up with new people.
“But you’re not shy. And you’re really outgoing.”
Close friends and family know I’m introverted.
But I can fool extroverts basically 100% of the time.
I can pass as one of them.
And I can fool other introverts maybe 95% of the time.
Call it a superpower if you want, but I actually have a bunch of things that I do to make this happen.
Life Tips For Introverts (How To Appear Extroverted)
There are four main things I do to make myself seem more extroverted.
You can apply all of these tips starting from today and see how your life transforms.
1 – Fix your posture/how you look
Let’s just get this super obvious but most overlooked tip out of the way first.
Simply holding yourself correctly will throw people off and guess wrong about your introversion.
Most introverts… actually, correction, most people generally have really sucky posture.
We don’t need to get into why this is but, for confirmation, just look around next time you’re anywhere with a bunch of people (a social setting, a train, in a restaurant).
Most people slouch and they don’t walk upright.
Standing, walking, and holding yourself correctly actually rewires your brain.
Your body does one thing and your brain thinks, “Holy moly, I must be a boss.”
Jordan Peterson talks about this in his 12 Rules for Life about the dominant lobsters (“stand up straight with your shoulders back).
And Amy Cuddy has that famous Ted Talk on power postures.
Wanna do a quick experiment?
Fold your arms, tuck your chin to your chest, cross your legs, and hunch over. Do that for the next couple of minutes.
How’d you feel?
Probably super shy, depressed, anxious, and unwilling to meet or talk anyone.
Now try standing up straight (imagine there is a hook attached to the top of your spine pulling you upwards), put your hands on your hips like Superman, push your chest out, lift your chin (exposing your neck). Do that for a few minutes.
Now you feel like you could take on the world.
In your day-to-day life, constantly check-in to your body and be aware of how you’re holding yourself.
It’s hard at first.
Like, no joke, you’ll actually be tired constantly correcting your posture.
But it will become default after a week or so.
You should also be hitting the gym regularly and doing exercises that help your posture.
Pull-ups are great for posture. Dumbbell flyes are good too. You also want to do some stretching or yoga.
You’ll notice two things when you have powerful posture:
- People respond to you better and instantly think you are confident.
- You will feel more confident and more powerful.
That’s one fundamental you can can a handle on immediately.
On top of that, make sure you’re always as well-groomed and nicely dressed as possible.
That means your clothes coordinate and fit properly. That’s way more important than having the latest style or having brand names.
2 – Batch social times and alone times
Another thing that works for me is having my social times allotted for certain days that are pushed together and having stretches of alone time.
For example…
2 days on, 2 days off works for me.
That means 2 days out of the week, I have more social things arranged.
I’ll meet people for coffee during the day, have social lunches, go out for dinner or to a bar in the evening, or have friends over to chill out. If there’s a new class I want to take, I’ll also schedule that in around this time.
Then for the other 2 days, I’ll basically be a complete loner.
I’ll still text people and I’m open to phone calls (especially if it’s work related), but generally this is my alone time and I get a ton of work done. 2 days of straight me-time. No plans and I don’t answer to anyone. Just get in my own world.
This seems to work better for introverts than having random haphazard social things pop up and be scattered all over the place.
I’d be interested to know if there’s a connection between introversion and neuroticism, because I know this sounds quite neurotic.
Either way, it works for me and I don’t need scientific studies to back up what I’ve learnt from experience. Give it a try and see if it works for you – we can argue about why it works some other time.
3 – Have a recharge ritual
Introverts generally leave most social functions with less energy, whereas extroverts leave with more energy.
This obviously doesn’t mean introverts don’t like being around other people. I absolutely love being around other people and I genuinely could do it (and have done it) 24/7 for long stretches of time. But regardless of how much I love people, my energy does take a hit.
This becomes particularly noticeable when I spend long stretches of time with people and then finally get a couple of hours to myself to do some breathing meditation, exercise, and reading alone.
I feel like I get my energy back during times of solitude.
So if you have a lot of big social things coming up (maybe a work function, or your giving a bunch of presentations, a party or wedding with new people), make sure you have a go-to recharge ritual.
You’ll do this recharge ritual before and after the social stuff.
Here’s my recharge ritual:
- Wake up and immediately go into a yoga flow for 20 minutes
- Drink a lot of water throughout the day
- Wim Hof breathing (the inflammation, spirituality, and creativity guided audios in the Fundamentals course are my favourites)
- Hit the gym with high intensity weight lifting followed by 20 minutes of cardio
- Lay on the sun-bed for 10 minutes (gives me an endorphin rush)
- Fast until around midday
Then I’ll work on projects that excite me all day. Literally morning to night. And I’ll keep my food healthy.
If I really need to recharge, I also find just kicking back with a documentary or some classic film from the Criterion Collection before bed does me wonders.
4 – Learn to ask better questions
As an introvert, you’ll want whoever you’re hanging out with to do most of the talking.
I find this is particularly true when I meet new people.
If I’m with a close friend, I can easily dominate the conversation, but mostly talking will look like a 50/50 split. If I’m with a new person, however, it works better for me energy-wise to listen than to talk most of the time.
So I’ll follow the 80/20 rule.
Get them talking 80% of the time.
Funny things happen when you only do 20% of the talking with most of that comprised of asking questions.
You’d think logically that if you didn’t talk that much people would definitely know you’re an introvert.
I’ve found the opposite.
People always think you’re a fantastic conversationalist (and, thus, extroverted) if you get them talking most of the time.
People really relish being given the chance to talk about themselves. So it’s a win-win. Give them that chance.
But here’s the caveat:
You have to ask good questions.
If you’re questions are just yes/no questions, irrelevant to the conversation, or boring, then people probably will think you’re introverted (misunderstanding introversion to be shy and awkward).
Ask nuanced questions.
Follow threads in the conversation.
Unpick stuff that either you’re curious about or the person seems curious about. If the person you’re hanging out with has mentioned their time living in Chile a few times when the conversation hasn’t been about that, that’s a topic you could explore that will likely get a lot out of them.
Open ended questions are good. “How did that make you feel?” is better than “Did that make you feel bad?”
I also like throwing statements out there and letting the person pick up from there. I don’t know why but statements seem to get most people responding more in-depth and at length than questions, even open-ended questions. If you’re a psychologist, please explain that one to me.
So, “How did that make you feel?” becomes “You must have felt quite overwhelmed.” Then be silent and let them go.
5 – Refine your non-verbal communication skills
I’m gonna name one of my favourite techniques for encouraging conversation “elegant grunts”.
I have this style of communication that developed during my time spent in Japan. I lived in Japan for a couple of years and picked up a lot of the cultural stuff – even to the point where I bow instinctively when thanking someone.
Something funny started to happen when I brought my Japanese influenced style of communication back to the West.
- People were taken aback/caught off guard/maybe slightly weirded out (not in a bad way)
- People were way more open to talking to me at length
Japanese culture is collectivist. That means the general mindset of the population is that what is best for the group is best for the individual. In the West, it’s the opposite. We’re big on individualism.
In Japan you have two concepts that reinforce their collectivist mindset:
- Reading the air – you’re expected to read other people’s minds and be super considerate of what they’re thinking and feeling without them having to say anything
- Keeping the harmony – Japanese people are super averse to conflict so you’ll rarely hear a strong opinion expressed by Japanese person unless you are in their inner circle (close friends, family, etc)
How does this translate into effective conversational skills?
Lots of nodding.
Seriously, I literally don’t stop nodding when someone’s talking.
And, yeah, I know that’s weird or over-keen looking in America and Britain, etc.
But people respond crazy positive to that shit.
You’re encouraging them to talk more and making them feel heard. It stands out too, because most people in the West do not nod that much when another’s talking (unless you really strongly agree with them).
“Elegant grunting.”
“Ah-hah!”
“Hm!’
“Ohhh.”
“Mm.”
These little monosyllabic grunts should come out of your mouth whenever someone says something you find interesting. It doesn’t have to be super interesting though.
Just throw a bunch of them out there.
This is the vocal equivalent of a head-nod.
Again, Westerners aren’t used to this because most people are silent when another is talking (or they cut them off to say what they want to say).
You’ll get strange looks, but once people get used to it they won’t shut the hell up.
You should also use real words as frequently as possible – “yeah”, “right”, etc.
You’re showing someone you’re listening and you’re encouraging them to keep going.
Strong eye contact.
Here’s a general rule…
When you’re talking to another person, break eye contact whenever you want.
It’s natural for speakers to break eye contact because they’re thinking while talking.
But when you’re listening to another person, they should be the one to break eye contact first.
Lots of people suck at holding eye contact and feel awkward.
Get over it.
If you can hold someone’s gaze, you will rarely be pegged as an introvert.
So those are my main tips for introverts.
Follow these and you’ll easily pass for an extrovert any day of the week.