Consider this my manifesto and final statement for every new extrovert that bounces their way into my life.
If you’ve met me recently and I’ve directed you to this article, it’s because YOU, my extroverted friend, need to know a thing or two so…
- Introverts like/tolerate you more
- You understand what’s going on in your introvert friend’s noggin.
Things Introverts Want Extroverts To Know
Let me preface this “Mini Crash Course To Understanding Introverts” with this…
None of this advice is backed up by science.
Or if it is, I didn’t know about it.
This is all stuff I’ve picked up personally through, you know, living as an introvert in an extrovert’s world for a little while.
If you need scientific studies to learn social skills, I can’t help you.
Let’s get personal, shall we?
How I talk to you and my attitude is energy dependent, not mood dependent.
“You seem pissed off.”
I’ve had that comment, or comments like it, even when I’ve been super happy.
It comes at the end of a day filled with TALKING and interacting with other human beings.
I love talking to people – really, I do – but 90% of the time, I’ll leave social interactions feeling like my energy levels have dipped.
This isn’t the same as your mood going sour.
It’s just extroverts typically leave social interactions with MORE energy, whilst introverts leave them with LESS.
If I’ve been talking to a lot of people all day, come evening time my eyes are gonna be a bit sleepy, my voice a bit hoarse, and my general demeanour mellow.
My mood can be better at the end of a long day of socialising than it was at the beginning, but it might be hard to show that.
How quickly an introvert’s energy levels deplete varies by individual.
It depends how far on the introversion spectrum you are and also how used to talking you are.
I’m not on the far end of the introvert scale, and I have trained myself/conditioned myself to withstand long interactions over the years through social activities, meeting a lot of people, and jobs in teaching and consulting.
But some people might be more introverted and their energy levels might deplete significantly after an hour’s chat with a new person, whereas for me it might take three to four hours.
Keep this in mind.
When talking to your introvert buddies, lean more on the energy side rather than emotional side when enquiring about them.
“You seem tired” = better than “You seem pissed off” – you’re more likely to be right and, even if they are pissed off they’ll probably open up more leading on from a question about their energy rather than their mood.
We’re cool to soak everything in, rather than be the center of attention.
I don’t mind being the center of attention on occasion (translation: if I have to, I will), but I much prefer the spotlight is on others for extended periods of time.
And, if I am in the center of attention, it’s only because I’m actively drawing others together.
Again, like the mood vs energy thing above, a lot of extroverts will get introverts wrong on this. They’ll think that if their introverted friends aren’t right in the middle of the action along with them that they’re not having a good time.
Truth is, unless I’ve recently ingested a boat-load of stimulants, I can’t talk like an extrovert.
Extroverts talk fast, talk about a lot of things, and there typically isn’t a lot of gap for silent thought and pauses.
Shit needs to be happening all the time.
I definitely applaud any extrovert who can pause and actually consider what another person’s saying, because that’s a rare quality with most extroverts more likely to be thinking about what they want to say while you’re speaking.
Introverts are typically much happier just taking everything in. We’ll add to the fun, of course, but it’s more strategic and, again, dependent on energy.
We can burn out in social interactions so quickly, why would we dump everything right away?
When I’m with a bunch of extroverts, I often feel like I’m running a marathon with a bunch of sprinters.
They can Usain Bolt it the whole 26 miles, leaving me jogging far behind.
Why don’t introverts get involved as much as extroverts?
Like I always say…
I know my story.
Been there, done that.
I wanna hear yours.
Works out pretty well because most people love talking about themselves.
But that leads on to this important caveat…
Just because we’re listening doesn’t mean we don’t get bored.
Just because we’re quiet, nodding, and actively listening doesn’t mean we find you fascinating.
And even if we’re asking you open-ended questions, doesn’t mean we’re ENTHRALLED with your life.
It’s just easier to throw something out, direct the convo, and sit back.
But a lot of extroverts will slam you with this verbal wall of text.
It’s not a dialogue anymore, it becomes a monologue and the introvert has a front-row seat.
Even if we’re not interrupting to talk or cutting you off, throw the conversation our way a few times.
We might throw it back so try again with a few questions.
If we keep putting the focus on you, we are truly interested in you.
That might seem disingenuous to an extrovert, but remember we are actively listening and we think it’s disingenuous (or at least unnatural) to dominate the conversation without a clear invite or expression of interest from our partner.
It’s the only way for us to be.
So before you go off on a monologue about the entire history of YOU, throw some genuine probing questions back and see how far you get.
I do know how hard it is to even notice this when someone asks you questions about your life.
I’ve talked with people who are more introverted than me and also extremely socially astute.
They can get you to open up about your whole life because it feels so nice to be listened to and asked questions.
I’ve often had to remind myself with these people that they have their own needs in the conversation and I need to make sure I’m taking care of them.
Often it turns into a bit of a verbal wrestling match with each person trying to push the other into the spotlight.
Those are the conversations I treasure. <3
Not all introverts are shy
Okay, some of us (probably a lot of us) are shy.
But introversion doesn’t necessarily correlate with shyness.
I’ve met a ton of extroverts who I consider shy.
I’d feel sorry for them, but they seem to be able to push through it and get their social on even when they’re super anxious and nervous.
But I would feel bad for them if they WANTED to be social but didn’t have the options. They’ll feel the lack of other human beings more intensely and quicker than my introverted ass would.
Most extroverts don’t think I’m introverted simply because I’m not shy.
I’ll direct the conversation, I’ll be the one to initiate plans, I’ll do ballsy things even when loads of people are watching, and basically I don’t care about social consequence.
That’s not to say I don’t know what shyness or social anxiety feel like.
I do.
Being an introvert as a child will often result in having a harder time to join big group activities.
But I’m not shy now and to think that introversion = shyness is to be incredibly simplistic about a robust psychological profile that can take many forms.
It’s like me saying, “Oh, because you’re extroverted you have to be around people all the time.” That’s not true either. Most extroverts need alone time to recharge, it’s just different from that needed for introverts.
This is an important point to pick up on because it will help you identify introverts easier.
Just because someone isn’t shy, doesn’t mean they’re not introverted. So look a little closer when you meet someone for the first time. It might help adjust how you speak to them.
So that’s the main stuff introverts want extroverts to know.
I’d be curious to hear things from the other side.
Are you an extrovert? What would you like introverts to know about you?
Or are you introverted and you feel I’ve missed something here? Let me know.