Most people aren’t in control of their emotions.
They give in to rage on a daily basis.
You only need to spend a little time cruising the roads and highways near where you live to see this.
One who can, as Kipling said, keep their head while all around them are losing theirs, is held in high regard.
We praise those who can keep their cool in stressful situations.
Why?
Because it’s so rare.
And as thinking, feeling, emoting human beings we all know how difficult it can be.
The problem is few of us were ever truly taught how to contain our emotions and how to deal with anger.
At school, we were punished if we got angry, but who among us were shown the correct way to deal with such a common emotion?
This week we’re going to learn how to do that.
We’re going to acquire the virtue of good temper.
We’re going to get control of our anger.
The man who is angry at the right things and with the right people, and, further, as he ought, when he ought, and as long as he ought, is praised. This will be the good-tempered man, then, since good temper is praised. For the good-tempered man tends to be unperturbed and not to be led by passion, but to be angry in the manner, at the things, and for the length of time, that reason dictates; but he is thought to err rather in the direction of deficiency; for the good-tempered man is not revengeful, but rather tends to make allowances.
Good temper doesn’t mean you can’t get angry or shouldn’t be angry, even though the vice to this virtue is being quick to anger.
It’s similar in this way to pride and humility.
When people think of the virtuous, being a virtuous person, and living a virtuous life they often imagine someone who is “humble” but this humility is a vice when it is incorrectly applied.
It’s not righteous and we’re all about living righteously and from a place of truth when it comes to the virtues.
This is the same when it comes to anger.
Yes, there are instances when anger is correct!
You can be angry and express anger and still be good tempered so long as you are angry when you ought to be for the right reasons and for the most suitable amount of time.
It’s funny when you are naturally calm and composed all the time and people get used to you being that way, being undisturbed, but then seeing your rare expression of anger with shock them – like you shouldn’t do it.
As long as you have it under control and are appropriate in how you express your anger and it’s for the correct reasons, this is not to be admonished.
People often don’t have the social nuance or understanding to see this.
It’s like when someone is justifiably and honestly proud of themselves and yet people will immediately, without thought or nuance of contemplation, designate that person as arrogant.
Same here.
You can get angry.
But you will still be composed and you will be in control of your impulses, you don’t let your angry passions take you over.
People will quote this Bible verse as a reason to never be angry:
Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth.
I agree with this quote.
But I agree with a different interpretation of this quote – the Jordan Peterson interpretation.
Meek doesn’t mean being a pussy who never expresses anger and lets other people walk all over them.
Meek means “those who have swords, and know how to use them, but keep them sheathed”.
Being meek is all about having power under control.
For those who are not angry at the things they should be angry at are thought to be fools, and so are those who are not angry in the right way, at the right time, or with the right persons; for such a man is thought not to feel things nor to be pained by them, and, since he does not get angry, he is thought unlikely to defend himself; and to endure being insulted and put up with insult to one’s friends is slavish.
Aristotle is explaining here why you need to be angry sometimes.
Think of Ned Flanders who continually gets taken advantage of because he suppresses his anger.
He isn’t virtuous.
He’s mock-virtuous in how he tries to follow the Bible to the letter, but when it comes down to it he is a fool.
And no one respects a fool.
No one respects the person who cannot protect or defend their friends.
Despite the fact that it absolutely is okay, actually encouraged, to get angry sometimes as long as it is with the right person, in the right circumstances, in the right manner, and for the right amount of time, you must still err on the side of not getting angry in most situations.
Because, truly, most situations, even those annoying and irritating ones, do not call for anger.
Aristotle lists the different ways people express their anger:
hot-tempered people get angry quickly and with the wrong persons and at the wrong things and more than is right, but their anger ceases quickly—which is the best point about them. This happens to them because they do not restrain their anger but retaliate openly owing to their quickness of temper, and then their anger ceases. By reason of excess choleric people are quick-tempered and ready to be angry with everything and on every occasion; whence their name. Sulky people are hard to appease, and retain their anger long; for they repress their passion. But it ceases when they retaliate; for revenge relieves them of their anger, producing in them pleasure instead of pain. If this does not happen they retain their burden; for owing to its not being obvious no one even reasons with them, and to digest one’s anger in oneself takes time. Such people are most troublesome to themselves and to their dearest friends. We call bad-tempered those who are angry at the wrong things, more than is right, and longer, and cannot be appeased until they inflict vengeance or punishment.
What form does your anger typically take?
Knowing that is the first step to addressing it.
Are you hot-tempered?
Are you choleric?
Are you sulky?
it is not easy to define how, with whom, at what, and how long one should be angry, and at what point right action ceases and wrong begins. For the man who strays a little from the path, either towards the more or towards the less, is not blamed; since sometimes we praise those who exhibit the deficiency, and call them good-tempered, and sometimes we call angry people manly, as being capable of ruling.
Once again, like with all virtues, but particularly emphasised with this one, following a virtue program, leading a virtuous life, and taking the path to become a virtuous person is difficult because it’s full of nuance.
It’s an art not a science and you need a ton of self-direction and refinement that comes from the depths of your unique soul.
No one can give you a “do this, don’t do that” step-by-step approach to becoming more virtuous because only you can do that.
One of the many benefits of attempting to become more virtuous is that you become extremely self-aware.
Most people don’t know themselves.
But by the end of just one cycle, you will know yourself and what’s good for yourself and what makes you tick and what the right and wrong things are for you in unique situations, more than most people in the world .
You will become true to yourself.
How far, therefore, and how a man must stray before he becomes blameworthy, it is not easy to state in words; for the decision depends on the particular facts and on perception. But so much at least is plain, that the middle state is praiseworthy—that in virtue of which we are angry with the right people, at the right things, in the right way, and so on, while the excesses and defects are blameworthy—slightly so if they are present in a low degree, more if in a higher degree, and very much if in a high degree. Evidently, then, we must cling to the middle state.
Now let’s get into the virtue assignment for this week so we can get a handle on our anger and become good tempered.
Virtue Assignment for Good Temper:
THIS WEEK:
– This week you are going to monitor your anger.
I don’t mean just switching the bracelet from wrist to wrist when you lose your temper unjustifiably, but you also need to become more aware of when you are not giving appropriate outlet to appropriate anger.
When you catch yourself yelling at your kids because you’re tired, switch that wrist because you’ve strayed into the vice of irascibility (quick to anger).
But, using the same example, there are times in which you can show appropriate and controlled anger to your kids. For example, if they do something dangerous (e.g. running with scissors) but you only gently take the scissors off them, you have failed and become a fool and need to switch wrists. Because in this situation, expressing an appropriate amount of anger to hit the message home could save your child’s life and stop them from doing something dangerous in the future.
– This week keep these two mantras in mind:
“People are disturbed not by events alone but by the views they take of them” (Epictetus) and “Between stimulus and response there is a space” (Viktor Frankl).
These quotes are your mantras. They will remind you that you have the power to change your thoughts, you are solely responsible for your anger (nobody else), and you have the power to choose your response in the moment.
– You’re also going to track your thoughts so that you are better able to change your thoughts (we want to change our angry thoughts because if those diminish then our expressions of anger will diminish too).
This week carry a pocket notebook or use the note app on your phone and track whenever you get pissed off this week.
Track the day, time, trigger, intensity, and emotion on a scale of 1-10 and give yourself an average at the end of the day.
You’ll begin to see patterns emerge and common things that continue to get anger out of you.
Challenge your underlying unconscious beliefs.
For example, if someone wrongs you, you might get angry. But that’s because you might have the belief that the world should be fair or that people should be punished for wronging others.
Challenge these beliefs.
Is the world really fair? If it’s not fair, is there any reason to get pissed off when unfair things happen? Isn’t that just par for the course?
– This week you will also begin a daily mindfulness practice.
It can be however long you want but try to make it a significant amount of time and set it near the beginning of your day.
20 minutes of meditation in the morning will do wonders for your state of mind and blood pressure throughout the rest of the day.
– If you have the time and the means, a bonus assignment for this week would be taking this cognitive behavioural therapy course.
You’ll learn so much about your automatic thought patterns and belief systems and how to change them.
If you could watch just one of these lectures every day this week, you will be so much more knowledgeable about how to control your anger by the end of the week.
– As always, keep up your journaling habit.
And if you have an accountability buddy, make sure you talk to them about this week’s challenge and what struggles you’ve found yourself facing.
READING HOMEWORK:
And that’s good temper!
Next week we’re focusing on the virtue of friendliness.