Friendship is so important to Aristotle that he dedicates two entire books to it.
As the world is getting smaller and more connected, people are feeling more isolated by the day.
Social skills that would have been intuitive fifty years ago are now completely lost.
For many, the virtue of friendliness will be one of the most difficult ones to master.
But, in a sense, it’s one of the most important ones to master.
Look to any philosopher whose writings are applicable and actionable and you’ll see they all talk at length about friendship.
Read Marcus Aurelius, Seneca, Epictetus, and Aristotle on friendship and you’ll understand this fundamental part of life better than most people in the world – the hard part is putting their wisdom into practice.
Friendliness is a virtue of social intercourse of which Aristotle has this to say:
In gatherings of men, in social life and the interchange of words and deeds, some men are thought to be obsequious, namely, those who to give pleasure praise everything and never oppose, but think it their duty ‘to give no pain to the people they meet’; while those who, on the contrary, oppose everything and care not a whit about giving pain are called churlish and contentious.
So with friendliness being the mean, the extremes and the vices on the opposite ends are being sycophantic and flattering or being rude and ill-mannered. We want to avoid both.
Again, most people have a superficial idea of virtues that is just plain wrong.
People get it wrong when it comes to pride, mistaking the mean for arrogance.
People get it wrong when it comes to good temper, thinking one must never express anger.
And people get it wrong when it comes to the virtue of friendliness, thinking you must be kind and pleasant to everyone.
Surely, you mustn’t be rude, but flattery only for the sake of pleasure and never opposing those you meet in day-to-day life isn’t friendliness either – that’s sycophancy.
the middle state is laudable—that in virtue of which a man will put up with, and will resent, the right things and in the right way; but no name has been assigned to it, though it most resembles friendship. For the man who corresponds to this middle state is very much what, with affection added, we call a good friend. But the state in question differs from friendship in that it implies no passion or affection for one’s associates; since it is not by reason of loving or hating that such a man takes everything in the right way, but by being a man of a certain kind. For he will behave so alike towards those he knows and those he does not know, towards intimates and those who are not so, except that in each of these cases he will behave as is befitting; for it is not proper to have the same care for intimates and for strangers, nor again is it the same conditions that make it right to give pain to them.
Aristotle is going for utmost precision in his definitions, which can result in some difficult sentences.
If you can follow along patiently, Aristotle is incredibly clear, but it’s worth reconceptualising his writings in more plain English for complete understanding.
Putting up with the right things in the right way + resenting the right things in the right way + affection = friendship.
Isn’t that such a pure definition of friendship?
Isn’t that the kind of friend we should all aspire to be?
We affectionately tolerate those closest to us, but also know where to draw the line.
Basically, being a good friend means putting up with some shit but not all shit.
When it comes to our wider associates, the community, the people who we would not call friends, those whom we do not have affection, love and hate cannot and will not dictate our actions.
Instead we must behave appropriately to all people as the situation and person calls for.
It is not right to treat strangers and those we’re intimate with the same.
You may find your inner compass guiding you to put up with less shit from someone you don’t know.
That doesn’t mean you bite people’s heads off if they treat you unfairly.
There are still right and wrong ways to deal with things.
How you act out your resentment with those close to you will not be the same with how you act out your resentment with associates.
A good friend who has been like a brother to you for a decade will get a different response from you for being disagreeable than a stranger.
Let’s say your friend crosses the line with you. You might decide it’s most appropriate to sit down and calmly get to the bottom of the matter with the friend so you can both address whatever wrong you feel the other one did.
But if a stranger were to cross the line with you, you might decide that the best course of action is to simply disengage and never see the person again.
he will associate with people in the right way; but it is by reference to what is honourable and expedient that he will aim at not giving pain or at contributing pleasure.
That is your guide when it comes to not giving pain or giving pleasure – it’s not about what you think the other person may want.
It’s not about what you want.
It’s about what is honourable and proper.
Extreme example: maybe a friend says your wife looks like a pig.
You may want to smack him upside the head.
But would that be honourable in the situation?
Again, it’s not for me to say it is honourable or not.
Your inner compass might guide you to thinking that’s the honourable and proper response. It might not. It might tell you something else.
All that matters is that you’re not letting your passions and emotions take the place of reason.
This is the mark of the friendly man according to Aristotle:
he seems to be concerned with the pleasures and pains of social life; and wherever it is not honourable, or is harmful, for him to contribute pleasure, he will refuse, and will choose rather to give pain; also if his acquiescence in another’s action would bring disgrace, and that in a high degree, or injury, on that other, while his opposition brings a little pain, he will not acquiesce but will decline.
Friendliness does not mean giving pleasure if it is not honourable or harmful.
We all know those friends who are lying to themselves, but their social circle are sycophantic telling them only what they want to hear.
They should be giving them medicine, telling them the things that will give pain rather than lie and give pleasure dishonourably and in a way that is harmful.
Remember medicine can make you feel worse before you feel better.
It’s dishonourable to deprive a friend of the treatment they need.
You can say a harsh truth coming from a place of real affection.
There’s a difference between pain and harm.
You might give pain in the short term, but to lie to someone is harmful in the long-term.
Suppose a friend has got it into his head that a certain woman is into him when everyone really knows that she is not.
Most friends, the sycophantic sort, will further delude him in his thinking or at least make no effort to correct his thinking – they’ll acquiesce, but true friendliness, and being a true friend, sometimes means causing pain.
Let Aristotle be your guide:
For the sake of a great future pleasure, too, he will inflict small pains.
The key word being inflict here.
You wouldn’t think of friendliness as being a quality that involves inflicting pain, would you?
But like all of these virtues this is nuanced and most people only think on the surface of what these words mean – they don’t think deeply about what it means to be a friend or what it truly means to be friendly. There’s a lot of brainwashing going on here.
Now let’s get into the virtue assignment for this week.
Virtue Assignment for Friendliness:
THIS WEEK:
– This week you will ask yourself in every interaction whether you are being a good friend.
Remember we are taking friend loosely here because being a good friend will differ depending on the degree of the relationship.
Being a good friend to a coworker will look different to being a good friend to a long-term buddy from college.
Again, this is an art not a science.
Being a good friend means giving pleasure where it is honourable and giving pain where it is lessen harm.
– Make sure you are brightening other people’s days.
You don’t have to overdo it but make sure you consider the other person in your interactions during this week.
That person working the check-out counter might have had a really tough week and a smile from you would perk them up.
Studies show that happiness is contagious on the social periphery.
Casual acquaintances can make you more happy that your most intimate friendships.
One study showed that your spouse is only 8% likely to catch your happiness, while a neighbour is 20% more likely, and a more distant neighbour than that is 35% more likely.
– Lacking social relationships or having bad relationships has been shown to be more unhealthy than smoking and not exercising.
Social connections, along with exercise, is show as the biggest indicator of happiness and health.
So evaluate your friendships this week.
Do you need to spend more quality time with the friends you already have? Have you been neglecting them? If so, schedule something like a dinner or whatever works for your relationship and show them that they mean something to you. If you’re too far away to meet in person, try to get a phone call in.
Do you have enough friends? Honestly evaluate and if the answer’s no brainstorm some ways you can make new connections and then put them in place.
Try to join a meet-up this week for one of your interests. You can make friends at book clubs, in hiking groups, bouldering, and so many other places.
Do something that is fun and may even result in laughter as play is incredibly effective at fostering connections.
– Small actions add up.
Try to make small talk with people you see in your day-to-day life.
Ask the person who served you in the shop how their day is going.
Ask a fellow commuter how work is going.
Make small talk consistently and you’ll feel a mood boost.
And these small actions will spill over into other areas of your life.
– Can you do any volunteer work this week?
What cause would be honourable for you to help?
Try to make it one where there is social interaction.
Help out at an elderly home. Apply to man a hotline for depressed people. Ladle soup for homeless people. Whatever you think is honourable.
As a bonus, you will be healthier. Studies show that volunteers live longer and have greater health.
Make sure you reflect upon your service and discuss it with others as you will be able to analyse your inner compass more effectively and figure out if you’re doing the eight thing and in the right way.
– Monitor your behaviour for sycophancy and rudeness.
Whenever you find yourself flattering somebody or saying something that is dishonourable, move the wristband.
Whenever you find yourself being unnecessarily rude, switch the wristband.
– As always, keep your journal this week.
Reflect upon how you are acquiring the virtue of friendliness.
READING HOMEWORK:
Next week we’re focusing on the virtue of truthfulness.